Before You Forward Them Emails...

Dear All,

My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year........

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time; nor do I answer the phone any longer because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan (which because of Penny I can no longer afford). However, that will all change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program, and once the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants to split $7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate pays up.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward e-mails to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. I also no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day; nor do I drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains (I want nothing in me that can melt poop). I’ve also been constipated for weeks, for thanks to you, I can no longer use anyone's toilet but mine, as I live in constant fear of that big brown African spider lurking under the seat causing me instant death when it bites my bum.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me; nor do I buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat while I'm filling up; and thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the $5.00 I found under the car as there is probably a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your hair, causing every last strand to fall out. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in- law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

And, by the way, a South American scientist, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse…

…Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!

Have a great 2008!