Jokes to live by

One night a mugger jumped into a path of a
well-dressed man and stuck a gun:

The Mugger : "Give me your money!"

The Victim : "You can't do this. I am a senator!"

The Mugger :"In that case, give me MY money!"

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A couple walking in the park noticed a young man
and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing.

Wife : "Why don't you do that?"

Husband: "Honey, I don't even know that woman!"

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A police car pulled up to grandma's house and grandpa got out.
The officer explained that this elderly gentleman said he was lost
in the park.

Grandma : ''Why? You've been going there for over 30 years!
How could you get lost?''

Grandpa : ''Wasn't exactly lost. I was just too tired to walk home."

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A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep
coma. After six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no
longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The Doctor : "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies
are fine. Your brother came in and named them.

The woman : "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!"

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,

The Woman : "Well, what's the girl's name?"

The Doctor : "Denise."

The Woman : "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong
about my brother. I like Denise!"

The Woman : "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor : "DeNephew."

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Dahil Sa Kalamitang Pag-aaway Ng Mag-asawa

LALAKI : lagi na lang tayo nag-aaway, sawang-sawang na ako!

BABAE : Ganon ha! Anong gusto mo? Ikaw parati ang culprit eh!

LALAKI : Maghiwalay na lang tayo para matigil na ang away natin!

BABAE : Para walang gulo, hati tayo sa anak natin!

LALAKI : Approve! Akin ang mestisa at guwapo!

BABAE : SUS!!! PINILI PA ANG DI SA KANYA!!!