FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Management is easy to understand, if you wish to understand. .

Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

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Lesson 2

A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

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Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story
Always let your boss have the first say.

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Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

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Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

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Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Customer Services in 2018

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I help you."

Customer: "Hello, I'd like to place and order?"

Operator: "Can I have your multipurpose card number first, Sir?"

Customer: "It's eh..., hold.......on. .....88986135610 2049998-45- 54610."

Operator: "OK, you're Mr. Patel... and you're calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home phone number is 409-2366, your office phone is 764-5230 and your mobile is 414-266-2566. Which number are you calling from now, Sir?"

Customer: "Home! How did you get all my numbers?"

Operator: "We are connected to the system, Sir."

Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza?"

Operator: "That's NOT a good idea, Sir."

Customer: "How come?"

Operator: "Well, according to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level, Sir"

Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"

Operator: "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it."

Customer: "How do you know for sure?"

Operator: "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from the National Library last week, Sir."

Customer: "OK, I give up... Give me three family-size ones then. How much will that cost?"

Operator: "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $49.99"

Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"

Operator: "I'm afraid you have to pay cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank $3,720.55 since October last year. That's not including the late-payment charges on your housing loan, Sir."

Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives."

Operator: "No, you can't do that, Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today."

Customer: "Never mind, just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"

Operator: "About 45 minutes, Sir. But if you can't wait, you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle...."

Customer: " What?!"

Operator: "According to the details in the system, Sir, you own a Scooter with registration number 1123...."

Customer: " ????"

Operator: "Is there anything else, Sir?"

Customer: "Nothing! By the way, are you giving me the 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?"

Operator: "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic. So...."

Customer: "So what... #$$^%&$@$%"

Operator: "Better watch your language, Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987, you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman?"

"The rules" From The Male Side

We always hear ' the rules'
From the female side..

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials. .

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear..

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or

motor sports


1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Before You Forward Them Emails...

Dear All,

My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year........

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time; nor do I answer the phone any longer because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan (which because of Penny I can no longer afford). However, that will all change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program, and once the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants to split $7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate pays up.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward e-mails to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. I also no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day; nor do I drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains (I want nothing in me that can melt poop). I’ve also been constipated for weeks, for thanks to you, I can no longer use anyone's toilet but mine, as I live in constant fear of that big brown African spider lurking under the seat causing me instant death when it bites my bum.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me; nor do I buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat while I'm filling up; and thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the $5.00 I found under the car as there is probably a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your hair, causing every last strand to fall out. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in- law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

And, by the way, a South American scientist, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse…

…Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!

Have a great 2008!

The Beauty of the English Language - Pinoy Style!

A story of love....

We' ve been friends for a long time ago. We come from the same alma mother. Actually, our paths crossed one time on another. But it's only now that I gave him a second look. I realized that beauty is in the eyes. The pulpbits of my heart went fast, really fast. Cute pala siya. And then, he came over with me. He said, "I hope you don't mine. Can I get your number?" Nag-worry ako. What if he doesn't give it back? He explained naman na it's so we could keep intact daw. Sabi ko, connect me if i'm wrong but are you asking me ouch? Nabigla siya. Sagot niya, The! Aba! Parang siya pa ang galit! Persona ingrata!!! Ang kapal niya! I cried buckles of tears.

Na-guilty yata siya. Sabi niya, isipin mo na lang na this is a blessing in the sky. Irregardless daw of his feelings, we'll go ouch na rin. Now, we're so in love. Mute and epidemic na ang past. Thanks God we swallowed our fried. Kasi, I'm 33 na and I'm running our time. After 2 weeks, he plopped the question. "Will you marriage me?" I'm in a state of shocked. Kasi mantakin mo, when it rains, it's four! This is true good to be true. So siyempre, I said yes. Love is a many splendor.

Pero nung inaayos ko na ang aming kasal, everything swell to pieces. Nag-di-dinner kami noon nang biglang sa harap ng aming table, may babaeng humirit ng, "Well, well, well. Look do we have here." What the fuss! The nerd ng babaeng yon! She said they were still on. So I told her, whatever is that, cut me some slacks! I didn't want this to get our hand kaya I had to sip it in the bud. She accused me of steeling her boyfriend. Ats if! I don't want to portrait the role of the other woman. Gosh, tell me to the marines! I told her, "please, mine you own business!" Who would believe her anyway?

Dahil it's not my problem anymore but her problem anymore, tumigil na rin siya ng panggugulo. Everything is coming up daisies. I'm so happy. Even my boyfriend said liketwice. He's so supportive. Sabi niya, "Look at is this way. She's our of our lives."

Kaya advise ko sa inyo - take the risk. You can never can tell. Just burn the bridge when you get there. Life is shorts. If you make a mistake, we'll just pray for the internal and external repose of your soul. I second emotion.

Funny Church Stories

WEDDING COLORS

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her
mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest
day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the
groom wearing black?"


DON'T LET ME BE LATE

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she
could, trying not to be late for Bible class.

As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear
Lord, please don't let me be late!"
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell,
getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.

She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran
she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be
late...But please don't shove me either!"


MY DAD

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,
he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on
piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words
on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people
to collect all the money!"


NO MALE PALLBEARERS

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested
no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial
service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I
don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."

ARREST OWN MOTHER

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you
had to arrest your own mother?"
He answered "Call for backup."

WHY JOSEPH AND MARY TOOK JESUS TO JERUSALEM

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus
with them to Jerusalem .. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a
baby-sitter. "

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

A Sunday School teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy
father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches
us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

ADAM'S RIBS

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,
including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when
they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were
ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to
have a wife."

SATAN STUFF

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong
preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think
about all this Satan stuff?"

The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out.
It's probably just your Dad."

Forwarded text message:
"Dare what it takes to be. Then we shall so because it is. To do or not, now or what else to be without." - Words of wisdom from Lito Lapid. Ikaw na lang umintindi.