20 Ways To Keep A Healthy Level of Insanity

1. AT LUNCH TIME, SIT IN YOUR PARKED CAR WITH

SUNGLASSES ON AND POINT A HAIR DRYER AT PASSING

CARS. SEE IF THEY SLOW DOWN.

2. PAGE YOURSELF OVER THE INTERCOM. DON'T

DISGUISE YOUR VOICE.

3. EVERY TIME SOMEONE ASKS YOU TO DO SOMETHING,

ASK IF THEY WANT FRIES WITH THAT.

4. PUT YOUR GARBAGE CAN ON YOUR DESK AND LABEL

IT "IN".

5. PUT DECAF IN THE COFFEE MAKER FOR 3 WEEKS.

ONCE EVERYONE HAS GOTTEN OVER THEIR CAFFEINE

ADDICTIONS,SWITCH TO ESPRESSO.

6. IN THE MEMO FIELD OF ALL YOUR CHECKS, WRITE

"FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS."

7. FINISH ALL YOUR SENTENCES WITH "IN ACCORDANCE

WITH THE PROPHECY."

8. DON'T USE ANY PUNCTUATION

9. AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE, SKIP RATHER THAN WALK.

10. ASK PEOPLE WHAT SEX THEY ARE. LAUGH

HYSTERICALLY AFTER THEY ANSWER.

11. SPECIFY THAT YOUR DRIVE-THROUGH ORDER IS "TO

GO."

12. SING ALONG AT THE OPERA.

13. GO TO A POETRY RECITAL AND ASK WHY THE POEMS

DON'T RHYME.

14. PUT MOSQUITO NETTING AROUND YOUR WORK AREA.

PLAY A TAPE OF JUNGLE SOUNDS ALL DAY.

15. FIVE DAYS IN ADVANCE, TELL YOUR FRIENDS YOU

CAN'T ATTEND THEIR PARTY BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT IN THE

MOOD.

16. HAVE YOUR COWORKERS ADDRESS YOU BY YOUR

WRESTLING NAME, ROCK HARD.

17. WHEN THE MONEY COMES OUT OF THE ATM, SCREAM,

"I WON! I WON! 3RD TIME THIS WEEK!!!!!"

18. WHEN LEAVING THE ZOO, START RUNNING TOWARDS

THE PARKING LOT, YELLING "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES,

THEY'RE LOOSE!!"

19. TELL YOUR CHILDREN OVER DINNER. "DUE TO THE

ECONOMY, WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO LET ONE OF YOU

GO."

AND THE FINAL WAY TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF

INSANITY.......

20. SEND THIS E-MAIL TO SOMEONE TO MAKE THEM

SMILE

Passport check

Try this out
>
It actually works,unbelievable!
> ------------------------------------------
>
> This has been a great step by the Immigration
> services of all countries joining together.
> After September 11 attacks, all world has
> gone paranoid about security and in this wake ,
> they have now maintained a centralized database
> of passports issued and carried by citizens. It
> is proposed that identity of any individual
> shall be known and verified though this
> website.
>
>
> Check for your profile too. "humnri.com" has
> spent about 6 months to link all data.
> If you have a passport your name is here.
> (Just click link below)
>
> http://www.humnri.com/enter/passport
>
>

Globalization

Question : What is the height of globalization?

Answer : Princess Diana's death.

Question : How come?

Answer : An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a
French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a
Belgian who was high on Scottish whiskey, followed closely by Italian
Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines!

And this is sent to you by a Filipino, using Bill Gates' technology which he stole from the Japanese. And you are probably reading this on oneof the IBM clones that use Philippine-made chips, and Korean made
monitors, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant,
transported by lorries driven by Indians, hijacked by Indonesians and
finally sold to you by a Chinese!

That's Globalization!!!

Jokes to live by

One night a mugger jumped into a path of a
well-dressed man and stuck a gun:

The Mugger : "Give me your money!"

The Victim : "You can't do this. I am a senator!"

The Mugger :"In that case, give me MY money!"

************************************

A couple walking in the park noticed a young man
and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing.

Wife : "Why don't you do that?"

Husband: "Honey, I don't even know that woman!"

************************************
A police car pulled up to grandma's house and grandpa got out.
The officer explained that this elderly gentleman said he was lost
in the park.

Grandma : ''Why? You've been going there for over 30 years!
How could you get lost?''

Grandpa : ''Wasn't exactly lost. I was just too tired to walk home."

***************************************

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep
coma. After six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no
longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The Doctor : "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies
are fine. Your brother came in and named them.

The woman : "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!"

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,

The Woman : "Well, what's the girl's name?"

The Doctor : "Denise."

The Woman : "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong
about my brother. I like Denise!"

The Woman : "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor : "DeNephew."

************************************

Dahil Sa Kalamitang Pag-aaway Ng Mag-asawa

LALAKI : lagi na lang tayo nag-aaway, sawang-sawang na ako!

BABAE : Ganon ha! Anong gusto mo? Ikaw parati ang culprit eh!

LALAKI : Maghiwalay na lang tayo para matigil na ang away natin!

BABAE : Para walang gulo, hati tayo sa anak natin!

LALAKI : Approve! Akin ang mestisa at guwapo!

BABAE : SUS!!! PINILI PA ANG DI SA KANYA!!!

Role Reversal

>
>
>
> A man was sick and tired of going to work every
> day while his wife stayed
> home. He wanted her to see what he went through
> so he prayed:
> >"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in
> 8 hours while my wife Merel
> stays at home. I want her to know what I go
> through, so please allow her
> body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."
> >God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's
> wish. The next morning, sure
> enough, the man awoke as a woman.
> >He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
> awakened the kids, set out their
> school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed
> their lunches, drove them to
> school, came home and picked up the dry
> cleaning, took it to the cleaners
> and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went
> grocery shopping,then drove
> home to put away the groceries, paid the bills
> and balanced the check book.
> He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the
> dog.
> >
> >Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to
> make the beds, do the laundry,
> vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen
> floor. Ran to the school to pick
> up the kids and got into an argument with them
> on the way home. Set out
> cookies and milk and got the kids organized to
> do their homework, then set
> up the ironing board and watched TV while he
> did the ironing.
> >At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing
> vegetables for salad, breaded
> the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for
> supper. After supper he cleaned
> the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded
> laundry, bathed the kids, and put
> them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and,
> though his daily chores weren't
> finished, he went to bed where he was expected
> to make love which he managed
> to get through without complaint.
> >The next morning he awoke and immediately
> knelt by the bed and said, "Lord,
> I don't know what I was thinking. I was so
> wrong to envy my wife's being
> able to stay home all day. . . . Please, oh
> please, let us trade back."
> >The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My
> son, I feel you have learned
> your lesson and I will be happy to change
> things back to the way they were.
> You'll just have to wait nine months, though.
> You got pregnant last night!"

Redneck Healing.....

An Irishman in a wheel chair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. He then looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.
The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded again, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, too.


The third patron to come into the restaurant was Kuya Kano Dan on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there sweet thang, how's about gettin' me a cold glass of RC!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress nodded again, so Dan said to give Jesus a cold glass of RC, too.


As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up and danced a jig out the door.


Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised up his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.


Then Jesus walked towards Dan. Dan jumped up and yelled, "Hey, man, don't touch me...... I'm drawin' disability!!!!!"

Are You the Weakest Link?

>
> Below are four (4) questions. You have to answer them instantly.
>
> You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately.
>
> OK? Let's find out just how clever you really are.
>
> Ready?
>
> GO!!!( scroll down)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> First Question:
> You are participating in a race.
> You overtake the second person.
> What position are you in?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Answer:
>
> If you answer that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong!
> If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are
> second!
>
> Try not to screw up in the next question.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took
> for the first question.
>
> Second Question:
> If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Answer:
> If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong
> again.
> Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?!
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> You're not very good at this are you?
>
> Third Question: Very tricky math!
>
> Note: This must be done in your head only.
> Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
>
>
>
> Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000.
> Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20.
> Now add another 1000.
> Now add 10.
>
> What is the total?
>
> Scroll down for answer..
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Did you get 5000?
>
> The correct answer is actually 4100.
> Don't believe it? Check with your calculator!
>
> Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last
> question right?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> John's father has four sons named: Winter, Spring, Summer, and ????
> Who is the fourth son?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Answer: FALL? NO! Of course not.
> His name is John. Read the question again.
>
>
>
> You ARE the WEAKEST LINK!!!!!!
>
> Good-bye!!

Leroy Is Not A Very Good Boy

>>
>> > >> >
>> > Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother
>> > was making dinner. His birthday was coming
>> > up and he thought this was a good time to tell
>> > his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike
>> > for my birthday."
>> >
>> > Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker.
>> > He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.
>> > Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he
>> > deserved to get a bike for his birthday.
>> > Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.
>> > Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman,
>> > wanted him to reflect on his behavior over
>> > the last year and write a letter to God and
>> > tell him why he deserved a bike for
>> > his birthday. Little Leroy stomped up the
>> > steps to his room and sat down to write
>> > God a letter.
>> >
>> > LETTER 1:
>> > Dear God,
>> > I have been a very good boy this year and I
>> > would like a bike for my birthday. I want a
>> > red one.
>> > Your friend, Leroy.
>> >
>> > Leroy knew this wasn't true. He had not been
>> > a very good boy this year, so he tore up
>> > the letter and started over.
>> >
>> > LETTER 2:
>> > Dear God, this is your friend Leroy. I have
>> > been a pretty good boy this year, and I
>> > would like a red bike for my birthday.
>> > Thank you, Leroy.
>> >
>> > Leroy knew this wasn't true either. He tore
>> > up the letter and started again.
>> >
>> > LETTER 3:
>> > Dear God, I have been an OK boy this year and
>> > I would really like a red bike for my birthday,
>> > Leroy.
>> >
>> > Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God
>> > either, so he wrote another letter.
>> >
>> > LETTER 4:
>> > Dear God, I know I haven't been a good boy this
>> > year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy
>> > if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
>> > Thank you, Leroy.
>> >
>> > Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter
>> > was not going to get him a bike. By now, Leroy
>> > was very upset. He went downstairs and told his
>> > mother he wanted to go to church. Leroy's mother
>> > thought her plan had worked because Leroy
>> > looked very sad. "Just be home in time for
>> > dinner," his mother said. Leroy walked down the
>> > street to the church and up to the altar.
>> > He looked around to see if anyone was there,
>> > then picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary.
>> > He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of
>> > the church, down the street, into his house,
>> > and up to his room.
>> >
>> > He shut the door to his room and sat down
>> > with a piece of paper and a pen. Leroy began
>> > to write his letter to God.
>> >
>> > LETTER 5:
>> > I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN,
>> > SEND THE BIKE.
>> >
>> > Signed, YOU KNOW WHO

Zen Microsoft Error Messages

>> >
>In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft Error
>messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku poetry has strict construction
>rules. Each poem has only three lines, 17 syllables: five syllables in the
>first line, seven in the second, five in the third. Haiku is used to
>communicate a timeless message often achieving a wistful, yearning and
>powerful insight through extreme brevity -- the essence of Zen:
>
>-------------------------------------------
>Your file was so big.
>It might be very useful.
>But now it is gone.
>
>-------------------------------------------
>The Web site you seek
>Cannot be located, but
>Countless more exist.
>
>-------------------------------------------
>Chaos reigns within.
>Reflect, repent, and reboot
>Order shall return.
>
>--------------------------------------------
>Program aborting,
>Close all that you have worked on.
>You ask far too much.
>
>----------------------------------
>Windows NT crashed.
>I am the Blue Screen of Death.
>No one hears your screams.
>
>-------------------------------------------
>Yesterday it worked.
>Today it is not working.
>Windows is like that.
>
>-------------------------------------------
>First snow, then silence.
>This thousand-dollar screen dies
>So beautifully.
>
>-------------------------------------------
>With searching comes loss
>And the presence of absence:
>"My Novel" not found.
>
>-------------------------------------------
>The Tao that is seen
>Is not the true Tao-until
>You bring fresh toner.
>
>-------------------------------------------
>Stay the patient course.
>Of little worth is your ire.
>The network is down.
>
>-------------------------------------------
>A crash reduces
>Your expensive computer
>To a simple stone.
>
>-----------! --------------------------------
>Three things are certain:
>Death, taxes and lost data.
>Guess which has occurred.
>
>-------------------------------------------
>You step in the stream,
>But the water has moved on.
>This page is not here.
>
>-------------------------------------------
>Out of memory.
>We wish to hold the whole sky,
>But we never will.
>
>-------------------------------------------
>Having been erased,
>The document you're seeking
>Must now be retyped.
>
>-------------------------------------------
>Serious error.
>All shortcuts have disappeared.
>Screen. Mind. Both are blank

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get
there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step
on
the ducks." So they entered heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all
over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although
they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on
one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains
them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend
eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along
comes
St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly
man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first
woman.

The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all
eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages
to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up
to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on very tall,
tanned and muscular. St. Peter chains them together and leaves without
saying a word.

The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for
all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a
duck."



Women's Lib International Conference

The first speaker, a lady from England stood up and
said, "During last year's conference, we spoke about
being more assertive with our husbands.
Well, after the conference, I went home and told my
husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for
him and that he would have to do it himself.
After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I
saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had
cooked a wonderful roast Lamb." (The crowd cheered).

The second speaker from Russia, stood up and said,
"After last year's conference, I went home and told my
husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do
his laundry and that he would have to do it himself.
The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I
saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had
done not only his own washing, mine as well.(The crowd
again cheered).

The third speaker, a Filipino lady from Visayas, stood
up and said, "Aftir lass year's kampirince, I win
hum(went home) and tuld dat lazy husband op mines,
Pidro, dat I was tro getting his slippers, kuking his
meals ol da tim, washing his undiwir and dat he was
guing to hab to do dem himsilf.(The crowd went wild
with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long
minutes). She continued,"Aftir da first day, I see
nating. Aftir da secun day,agin I see nating, but
aftir da tird day, I could see a little bit out
of my leff eye."

Disorder in the court

>
> These are from a book called Disorder in the Court,
> and are things people actually said in court, word
> for word, taken down and now published by court
> reporters - who had the torment of staying calm
> while these exchanges were actually taking place.
>
> Q: Are you sexually active?
> A: No, I just lie there.
>
> Q: What is your date of birth?
> A: July fifteenth.
> Q: What year?
> A: Every year.
>
> Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the
> impact?
> A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
>
> Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
> memory at all?
> A: Yes.
> Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> A: I forget.
> Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of
> something that you've forgotten?
>
> Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
> A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember
> which.
> Q: How long has he lived with you?
> A: Forty-five years.
>
> Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you
> when he woke up that morning?
> A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
> Q: And why did that upset you?
> A: My name is Susan.
>
> Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been
> involved in voodoo or the occult?
> A: We both do.
> Q: Voodoo?
> A: We do.
> Q: You do?
> A: Yes, voodoo.
>
> Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies
> in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the
> next morning?
>
> Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is
> he?
>
> Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
>
> Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
> August 8th?
> A: Yes.
> Q: And what were you doing at that time?
>
> Q: She had three children, right?
> A: Yes.
> Q: How many were boys?
> A: None.
> Q: Were there any girls?
>
> Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
> A: By death.
> Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
>
> Q: Can you describe the individual?
> A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
> Q: Was this a male, or a female?
>
> Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to
> a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
> A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
>
> Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on
> dead people?
> A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
>
> Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school
> did you go to?
> A: Oral.
>
> Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the
> body?
> A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
> A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I
> was doing an autopsy.
>
> Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
>
> Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
> check for a pulse?
> A: No.
> Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
> A: No.
> Q: Did you check for breathing?
> A: No.
> Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was
> alive when you began the autopsy?
> A: No.
> Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a
> jar.
> Q: But could the patient have still been alive,
> nevertheless?
> A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive
> and practicing law somewhere.
>